My mother and father travelled to Derby from India invited by UK government in search of a better life for their family. My father worked at, Qualcast foundry Sinfin, until he retired. My mother worked most of her life in labouring jobs and never learned English but learnt enough to get by and I would describe her as the matriarch of the family. She came to Derby as a young married woman, following her husband (my dad) and we were born.
I am one of 7 sisters and one brother. My mother feared hospitals in Britain and so my siblings were born on the sofa in our first house on 28 Northumberland Street, Normanton, Derby. Then when I came along as a breech birth, my mother had no choice but to confront her fears and gave birth to me in hospital. I was born in 1965, at Derby City Hospital, a place where my 3 children would be born later in my life’s journey. My birth was to be the start of my difference, reminded by my mother and I was also not the boy she had hoped and prayed for. I was not the last child as my mother gave birth to yet another daughter whom I believe she had hoped would be that boy. I remember the tight knit community growing up in Normanton and they would visit my mother, many of these people had made the same journey and I now understand how it felt safer to live in closer proximity with others from the same community. The Normanton community played a significant part in our lives, and everyone would either be an auntie or an uncle, but I quickly learned how they would become the eyes and ears that would report back to mum, on the behaviours of her daughters. These voices echoed throughout my upbringing and were reinforced within the local Asian community at weddings and the local Gurdwara that still stands proud at the edge of Dale Road Derby.
I went to St Chads Infant School, Dale Primary and then Littleover School Derby. During my secondary school days, I remember how my life was very different to that of my peers. I envied their freedoms, things I could only ever desire in secret. I would push the boundaries and be reminded of my difference and the term ‘black sheep’ of this family, one that needed to be controlled and watched closely. I was the one that dared to be the teenager who wanted to express herself, cut her hair, wear make-up, giggle at boys, go to a disco and dare to dream of college or university. I say dare because all these things were deemed shameful within my family dynamic and community and if we dared to cross that line we would be punished, and this was normally by my mother.
I remember daring to cut my hair at the newly opened salon, Rafferty’s on Normanton Rd, I wanted the trendy perm of the 80’s and thought I could get away with it! There are only so many days that you can pretend to have wet hair with a towel around your head, and on this day my mother’s suspicions turned to rage as she knocked the towel from my head went for me both physically and emotionally. This became a huge cause of shame, and I was sent to London to live with my elder sister until my hair grew back.
In the backdrop of my childhood, I watched my sisters one by one being taken out of the classroom in Derby, ready for their marriages to men they had only ever met in photographs. They would disappear and no one questioned this at school but then again who would they have asked? “It’s what they do”, was the narrative. The family who would never admit to forcing their child into a marriage. I was 14 years old and already promised into a marriage at the age of 8 and I dared to say NO. I was taken out of education at the age of 15 and locked in a room (key on the outside) at our house on Dale Road. In the end I agreed to the marriage to plan my escape and I ran away from home at the age of 16.
This led to a chain of events that were to change the course of my life forever and I chose to document all in my first bestselling book Shame. The one thing that troubles me even to this day is how my family disowned not only me but eventually my children and now grandchildren. I became the shamed one, the one who had done this to her family and no longer worthy of the love you would expect from a family. I missed them all terribly and my hometown Derby which is all I ever knew and as life went on, I would live not hearing about births, deaths and still have so many blanks in my life. I recently found out that my only brother. Derby born and bred and a true Ram, had passed, and this was on Facebook.
After years of feeling that I had shamed my family, that I was the perpetrator, it took my sister Robina’s suicide that led me to owning that I had not shamed my family. She was taken out of Littleover School and forced to marry at the age of 15, this was doomed to fail, and she later married for love, an alien concept in our family. As a result, she set herself on fire and died and I heard people say how it was better for her to take her life, than for her to dishonour a family and divorce an abusive partner. This led me to create the charity Karma Nirvana in Derby in 1993. It was at this time that I had decided to let go of my family, accept they did not want me in their lives, and this was moment of freedom! I let go of all expectations of a family and owned that I was the victim and now it was time to start the journey of survival. I began by educating myself, as someone with very little confidence and no self-belief as it is easy to begin to soak up words of how ‘you will amount to nothing” said by my mother. I remained in Derby, took day classes, passed my A levels, and went onto study at the University of Derby. I was living on Balfour Road in one room with my two children as a single parent and pregnant with my third child. I somehow began to own my self-worth and progressing to picking up a book at the age of 28 for the first time having never read a book and went on to getting a first-class honours degree at Derby University and delivered my first ever speech at Derby Assembly Rooms, being chosen to deliver the Student Vote of Thanks. It started in Derby and the rest is history as I went onto to speaking to thousands, nationally, internationally to as many I could to share the mission of Karma Nirvana.
I committed 25 years to the campaign against forced marriages and honour abuse, at a time when there was no awareness, I would tirelessly share my story and that of Robina, to anyone that was willing to listen! My first office was at Derby Women’s Centre, still on Leopold Street, as I pleaded for space for free to progress this idea. The Helpline which started in my front room is now a national Helpline, funded by government and has supported over 150,00 calls for support and this continues today. I have led many campaigns, lobbied 5 Prime Ministers, travelled the world to learn and have worked for 15 years to make forced marriage a criminal offence. My philosophy has always been to find a way and to appeal to people’s hearts and minds, especially those with the power to influence.
I left the Charity in 2018, as it was time to let it go and let others lead where I had trodden and I am immensely proud to share that my daughter Natasha now leads the charity, also Derby born! I wrote my personal Memoir Shame, Daughters of Shame and Shame Travels, all translated in over 8 different languages. Every award in recognition for my work is one that I share with the many that took the time to listen and join the campaign. I am blessed to have won many awards nationally and internationally but the award that stands out from the rest for me, was awarded by the King Charles. As one born in Britain, it matters that I am recognised as part of this county that I call home, so I sign with pride CBE (Commander of the Order of the British Empire) at the end of my name. I am now writing again, so watch this space and continuing to support the causes that rarely get a platform as one who knows what it means to have a platform to break silences.
The common perception of the ‘black sheep’ conjures up an image of difference that is negative, as one who is different, not part of the flock. I have had the privilege of looking into the eyes of many victims and survivor of adverse childhood experiences who have graphically described these painful experiences of difference within their childhood. I would understand every word being spoken with a great depth and empathy that had the power to transport me back to my childhood experiences of being the so called ‘black sheep. Today I can embrace this experience as one that was necessary because I was able to harness its power as it shaped and formed my destiny to who and what I am today. Being the black sheep has never been easy, but I remain thankful for it and now wear it as a badge of honour. Little did I know at the age of 8 right up to my adolescent years that those haunting voices of disapproval, although extremely painful they were a necessary part of my childhood.
I will never regret my decision of saying no to a forced marriage as I broke the cycle of abuse and have left a legacy for my children and grandchildren that will not ever have to inherit such legacies of abuse. They have freedom, independence, and the right to marry who they want, if indeed it is that they choose to. I now own my past experiences and the knowledge of how they were a significant and necessary part of your personal journey. I am often asked the question, why out of 7 sisters, I alone questioned the path that I did not accept, that others had chosen for me and escaped a forced marriage. What was different about me?
I know now that it was because I welcomed that wonderful black sheep and I nurtured her energy within me, especially during those moments when I was too afraid to openly question why on the outside. Instead, I quietly questioned on the inside so that I was not squashed by those intent on conditioning me. I remember the jokes at my expense, jokes that are designed to kill your spirit and fill you with guilt and shame. I do not underestimate the power of emotionally painful experiences, as they visit me too, but I have turned their potency to my advantage, and they are no longer the companion they once were.
I no longer allow the memories of my family’s voices, or any other painful past relationship make me want to scream. I no longer allow these voices to amplify in my mind and torment or ask why me? I have found my own ground and realise my self-worth against old beliefs and patterns of conditioning. I once read how even a prisoner in a cell has the power to think freely as no one can imprison their thoughts, but it requires courage and determination to own your thoughts. The life I imagined becomes more of a reality every day, the person I imagined is who I am, and I am looking directly at my sheep with immense gratitude, and she is smiling right back at me, for I could not have done it without her. She butted me out of my comfort zone and forced me to tap into dormant qualities. I believe we all have the capacity to draw upon qualities of determination, resilience, courage, and truths in honouring how we feel. I love my hometown Derby and deeply grateful that my children shared a huge part of their lives there. I visit it often as many of my friends that became family in the absence of mine remain there. Wherever I am, I watch the Derby scores from afar as my brother did and I recently watched the Rams win away at Carlisle with my lifetime partner Jon Agyeman who was a lecturer for 35 years at Derby College. The connections with Derby run deep and they always will as this was not only the place where I was born, it was the place where I finally found my voice.
Jasvinder Sanghera CBE
